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The real you

13 July 2010

Coming out as gay is one of the hardest things you can do, a young member tells their story

The toughest part for me was coming out to myself and learning to accept me for who I am. I began having gay feelings when I was 16 or 17. I was popular at school. A guy in my year had come out, he was teased and all the lads laughed at him. I decided to ignore my feelings and hoped they’d go away.

This continued for years. I left school and started my first job. In my mind I wouldn’t be accepted by friends, family or colleagues. I was convinced it was a phase and I hadn’t met the right girl. I started to make a real effort with women; thinking I could turn myself straight.

Being true to yourself

People asked me if I was gay but I’d always laugh it off. By Christmas 2009 I decided enough was enough. I was going to tell a friend. I couldn’t sleep the night before, when I finally saw her I was shaking, she knew something was up instantly.

I said “I think I might be gay”, she froze, I expected the worst. To my surprise she jumped up, started clapping, hugged me and burst into tears! She’d known since the day we first met and was happy I’d finally plucked up the courage to tell her.
 

I was so relieved, for the first time in months I slept all through the night. I was amazed how much happier I felt just by telling one person. I’d arranged a night out with friends. I told a couple of them before we went out. After a couple of drinks I plucked up the courage to tell them. I was worried about the lads, but they were all great and supportive. I expected plenty of banter, they didn’t let me down. It’s all in good humour. I’d be worried if they didn’t make jokes. I’m so much closer to my friends now, as I can just be myself.

Telling my parents was a hard thing to do. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but by this point I didn’t care. I knew who I was and I was going to continue being me whether they liked it or not. I told my mum. She froze and looked disgusted, telling me she was disappointed. I knew she didn’t mean to react like that, in her mind she had been thinking I’d marry a woman and have kids. It would’ve been foolish to expect her not to be shocked; after all, it took me years to come to terms with it.

Dealing with emotions

Things became strained at home. She didn’t want me to tell dad. She thought it was a phase. It got to the point where we were constantly arguing; I was moving out. About a month later, she told my dad. He wanted me to speak to me. I felt sick and shaking at the thought of it. Would he shout at me? Throw me out? Or worse?

When I got home he was fine, he didn’t mention anything. After a couple of days he asked me about it, and why I hadn’t told him. He said he didn’t care, it didn’t matter, I was still his son and that I have to do what makes me happy.
 

In reality, your sexuality only makes up a small part of you. The majority of people won’t care, but you should always prepare that some won’t agree with it, you can’t change them. Your true friends will accept it. No one can force you to come out. When the time is right, you’ll know. There isn’t a one size fits all way, and some people never come out.

 

PCS PROUD

The National Young Members Committee participates fully in tackling under representation within our union and in the workplace. We have a National Equalities Officer who ensures young members are represented on different equality committees and get involved in events and activities.


PCS Proud is an official PCS group set up to promote:
• Equal opportunities within the field of employment for lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people within the civil service and linked organisation;
• Equal opportunities within PCS and the wider trade union and labour movement;
• Equal rights for lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people within society in general.
They aim to:
• Oppose any organisation, individual(s) or forces in society which seek to foster divisions based on sexuality, class, religion, gender, disability, race, creed or HIV status;
• To work within the structures of the PCS;
• To act as a contact and support for lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people who are members of the PCS;
• To offer solidarity and support to other groups in the lesbian and gay community as approved by the AGM;
• To act as a social and cultural network for members.
 

If you have an equality issue to wish to raise and equality issue or feel the young members network could do more to promote the equality agenda, contact (confidentially) our equalities officer Debbie Mallet or email youngmembers@pcs.org.uk